The Most Beautiful Zombie in the History of Film

Melinda Clarke in Return of the Living Dead? Ok, not bad. Linnea Quigley as Trash in ROTLD? Sexy but that HAIR!! Awful. Nope, there is only one SEXIEST Zed in the movies, Anna Falchi in Michele Soavi’s Cemetery Man!

I Have Returned

It’s been a long break for me but it was necessary. Sadly,my Mother had an extended, serious illness and she passed away on February 1st. It’s been pretty brutal but a little bit of time and very fond memories are getting me and my family through it. That said, I will be posting regularly again beginning next week. Thanks to ANYONE reading this. 

The Lords Of Salem – 2013

I think I just saw something pretty great. I may need to watch this one again before I make any final judgement, but as of right now I love The Lords of Salem!

Surprisingly understated at times, this film from Rob Zombie was nothing like I expected it to be, but was everything I had hoped for. Filled with dream ( and nightmare) images, heavy on the atmosphere and quite low on the gross and gore meter, The Lords of Salem kept me curious about its outcome long after i had figured out where this journey was going to take me. Sherri Moon Zombie delivers what is easily her most appealing performance, despite her characters deadly flaws. Watching Moon develop as an actress is something I never thought I would see, but this movie proves she has some acting chops to go along with that sexy killer underbite. The character she plays, Heidi, is not terribly complex but Moon lends honesty to the role, and I never saw that self conscious awareness that occasionally plagued her past performances. I got a sense of Heidi’s daily drudgery, making the popular radio DJ’s life appear anything but fun and glamorous. Her coworkers ( including a fellow DJ played by Ken Foree ) are enjoyable, but not a huge part of the plot.

The story starts slowly but interestingly, giving us a chance to get to know the characters and the setting before going too far into the plot. I appreciate this kind of patient storytelling and hope that Zombie will embrace this style if he continues to make movies. The turning point of the tale is when a strange record is delivered to Heidi at the radio station. Upon hearing the album, she begins to suffer hallucinations, bad dreams, lethargy and a dangerous renewal of her old drug desires. As always, I stay far away from spoilers and long assesments of plot but I have to tell you, there are not a ton of surprises but you will still find plenty to keep you involved in the film.

So, to be short but sweet, give the Lords of Salem a try. I found this movie about witchcraft, devil worship and legacies to be very unusual and very entertaining. To sum up, I think Mr. and Mrs Zombie are growing up…and this flick bodes well for their future as filmmakers.

Chrysalide – Don’t Be Scared, It’s About Life

Chrysalide’s second full length disc was released abroad in 2011 and didn’t hit U.S. shores until fall of 2012. I picked up a copy immediately but it was defective so I returned it, and since I’d purchased the only copy my neighborhood music shop had ordered, I grabbed something else instead. I have waited an entire year for that music shop to get another copy and the time has finally arrived! Worth the wait? The answer is yes, with a minor grumble.

Don’t Be Scared, It’s About Life finds this French Industrial group in excellent form. The music pulses and rages, rhythms throb and the angst, angry lyrics all mass together to make a hell of a crunchy throwback noise. I love some of these tracks and have listened to the disc about 5 times in the last two days. So, what’s my problem? Well, it’s kind of simple. This sounds a fuck of a lot like classic Skinny Puppy and in some places like Ogre’s solo work as well. Being influenced by greatness is never a bad thing and some of the music is clearly inspired by several artists, but on occasion it seems to pass the border of influence and venture into Puppy sound alike status. Normally such a thing might turn me off completely to a CD, but there is something sincere about tracks like the unyielding Traders Must Die that makes me embrace this particular disc. When I hear the outrageous We Are Food For Worms, I relish in the bands pessimism. The first time I heard the piano work in I Do Not Divert My Eyes, I instantly took note of the subtlety that the notes lent to an otherwise aggressive tune. I guess I love this disc! I do, and I think Industrial fans will freak out if they happen to have been in on this genre’s golden era, from 1987 to 1994. This stuff sounds old school! Hey, if you’re reading this, consider it a rave review, but as you listen to the song I’ve posted below, I think you may find yourself giving a nod to  Ogre and Kevin Key from Skinny Puppy. This disc certainly does.

Blood Beach – 1981

What we have here is classic 1980’s American horror schlock. If you are not a fan of the ridiculous you should probably move on. Please go check out one of the more classy films I’ve highlighted in the past if crap is not your style, but if you are the type, as I am, who goes for this type of rubbish you need to watch Blood Beach!

On an unspecified Los Angeles beach, the killings begin with an older woman who is suddenly sucked into the sand. Despite her older woman-esque efforts to free herself, she disappears amid her screams and the yapping of her cute little dog. No one sees the sucking actually occur but those who know the woman understand that something is fishy on this here beach. Enter Catherine Hutton, the victims daughter, played well by Marianna Hill ( Messiah of Evil ) , who upon arriving at her Mom’s former residence ( she’s dead, ya know ) is reunited with old flame, Harry Caulder, whom she was once “almost” married to. It seems Harry is the local..umm..beach cop (?) and is one of the people investigating Catherine’s Mom’s mysterious absence. I call Harry a beach cop because I’m not even sure what the heck he is. I do know he is a resident of the area, wears an official looking wind breaker and is helping the police, so he’s a beach cop, okay? Harry assists one of the all time coolest police forces, headed by the gruff but lovable Captain Pearson. Pearson is played in extraordinary fashion by horror regular John Saxon. This is my favorite of Saxon’s many fine film performances and If you watch you’ll understand why. He plays Pearson with tons of panache, reveling in his strange but effective rants without going overboard or chewing bits of scenery. Working along side the Captain is Lieutenant Piantidosi, who is portrayed by Otis Young, a well known character actor who works well here, and is absolutely convincing as a decent, frustrated cop. Rounding out this talented trifecta is the incomparable Sgt. Royko, as played by the incomparable Burt Young of Rocky fame. Young is a marvel to watch as he twitches, shrugs, mugs and smirks his way through Blood Beach, insulting suspects, fellow officers and beach goers with a snarky, I don’t give a fuck style. These three actors are unquestionably the brightest spots in this otherwise silly piece of 80’s trash.

With the above mentioned task force hard at work, the deaths and disappearances begin to steadily mount and the beach is in a panic. A local C.P.A. goes missing. The stewardess Harry has been seeing doesn’t show up for a dinner date ( This clears the way for Catherine to move into the romantic interest role. Hurray. ), and the original victim’s poor innocent dog is even A.W.O.L. Bad news for this formerly peaceful beach community and particularly bad news for the folks who make a living there. We are reminded of this a few times as our cops talk to a surf-side greasy spoon owner named Moose, who’s face just has to be seen to be believed. Anyway , after the horrible mutilation of a teenage girl, the beaches are soon empty and it’s up to the fuzz to find out what is going on.

Their investigation leads them to an old abandoned building and its crusty basement. Could this under the sand crawlspace looking thingy be a clue to the crimes? Hmmm, yeah I think the stash of dead bodies might indicate some connection. I will leave it to the viewer to discover what that connection is, and unless you have three brain cells you already know anyway. Fuck it, I’m letting the cat out of the bag. X SPOILER ALERT X It’s the killers lair. Yeah, like I said you already knew that. But you don’t know who or what the killer is! Know what else? When you do find out, you won’t care, because it’s far from impressive as an idea or as a horror creature. It’s bulbous, lumpy, slow and vague looking. I’ve seen Blood Beach a dozen times and I really have no idea what the hell this thing is and that’s ok. It’s the performances I’ve mentioned (and one wonderfully curious performance I didn’t mention by Stefan Gierasch as Dr. Dimitrios) that save the day for this movie. Great acting in a bad movie is always a treat and you will not be disappointed with what you see here.

Blood Beach might be shit, but it’s my kind of shit and if you want a good Saturday night popcorn movie that you can laugh with and at, this is a great choice. So grab the sunscreen and the cooler and take a walk on Blood Beach. You won’t get burned. Ugh,I really did just type that last sentence.

Bikini Girls On Ice

What a complete waste! I am going to keep this brief, because this pile of horse shit deserves no more of my time. To the makers of this crap, how about fucking trying? The movie reeks of snarky half assed effort, in front of AND behind the camera. I try to find something positive to say about any work that I review, so here’s my one plus for this mess. It’s terrific that the people making it were able to accomplish their goal. Well done there. As far as everything else is concerned? This movie is uninspired, retread crap. I understand that it’s an exploitation film. I get it. Too bad the only people exploited are the poor saps who plunk down a few hard earned bucks for this epic failure.

It’s Alive – 1974

With a great advert campaign and a lot of fun hype, It’s Alive was one of the most talked about films of it’s era. I for one can’t think of a single thing not to love about this flick and I seem to slip this golden oldie into the DVD player every few months.

Directed by Larry Cohen ( The Stuff ) and starring no one anybody except  Larry Cohen fans have ever heard of, It’s Alive is a hilarious movie about a mutated, killer newborn. Yeah, you did read that right. From the moment this fucker pops it’s immense head out of the poor mama’s womb ( “the umbilical cord’s been CHEWED off!!!” ), the bodies start to fall. Medical techs, nurses, doctors, all are wiped out in the delivery room and then the little cutie goes out to maul and murder a bunch of other dippy california residents. Milkmen, suburban hookers, cops, family members, no one is safe from baby’s desire to kill!

Of course it’s ridiculous but it’s also a fuck load of fun. The parents of the monster are alternately sympathetic and disgusted. Shamed at having been a part of the things creation, but drawn by a paternal instinct to protect their child. The acting is pretty good for this kind of junk and Cohen is a very competent director so you can assume that things will never get boring. I liked the hospital scenes the best, including the debate over how the infant escaped from the tiny skylight in the delivery rooms’s ceiling. Sarcastic unfeeling cops, eager and ineffectual medical personnel, opportunistic reporters, the entire list of stock characters are present and accounted for. This one isn’t high on originality but what is better than a child, a brand new to the earth baby, who craves killing?

Of course we come to find out that it isn’t merely homicidal compulsion that leads to all this bloodshed, but a need to be understood and accepted. Huh?? Accepted? Hey baby, you went on a murder rampage the second you sucked in your first ounce of oxygen so acceptance might be a little hard to come by! So what, right? It’s all about the little one’s killing spree and the jackasses who attempt to end it. Madness and stupidity ensue and we as viewers will never see birth the same way again!

Hatchet 3, a lot like the first 2!

Have you seen either of the first two Hatchet films? Okay, you know what part three is like then. I am not saying this in a negative way at all. I love the fuck out of the first movie and thought the second had some fun moments. I’m just saying that this one doesn’t stray far from the formula, but I didn’t  expect that it would. Why mess with success?

Victor Crowley lives! Yep, despite seeming to be quite dead at the end of the sequel, the deformed swamp freak returns. We’re used to this, right? You cant do a part three if the main maniac is really dead, right? And you can’t have mass killings if yet ANOTHER group of human bait doesn’t wander in to the swamp to become targets right? Right, so it’s the same stuff we’ve seen before and this is what slasher movies are all about so screw any complainers. Crowley is a badass, human bodies get destroyed and blood flies everywhere. Yeah, I’m recommending this one for gore fans. See it if you like the first two, and avoid it if you are a fan of originality. It’s pretty simple.

The main attraction here is the cast. Made up of horror faves like Caroline Williams (TCM 2 and 3) Danielle Harris ( Halloween 4 and 5, Hatchet 2) and a few choice others, Hatchet 3 is full of fan pleasing faces and performances. I will admit to wishing Reverend Zombie ( played by Tony Todd and killed off in the last Hatchet) would make some ghostly appearance, or emerge alive in a “only can be believed in a slasher movie” kind of way, but sadly…no Reverend.

Anyway, as you can see I don’t have a lot to say about this one other than i enjoyed it. I mean, its Hatchet fucking 3! You know what you’re getting here. So, if you are a fan, have a nice long gory look at this!

Click the Official Hatchet III trailer, BELOW!

Christine – 1983

What a party! I don’t know a lot of movies that are as much fun to watch as John Carpenter’s Christine. Killer cars are always pretty entertaining but this one takes the cake. The car is without a doubt the star of this show and deservedly so. She’s a cherry red 1958 Plymouth Fury, and fury is a perfectly apt moniker. This machine is a BEAST!

Of course, at the heart of this tale is a love story between a boy ( ultra nerd, Arnie Cunningham ) and his car. Like all love stories, this one results in murder, mayhem and destruction. The moment Arnie rescues a neglected Christine from the front yard of George Lebay ( creepily played by the one and only Roberts Blossom), we sense this obsessive relationship will end badly. It does of course, and getting there is all of the fun. Few movies have so much energy, at times leaving the watcher clapping, shouting or howling as Christine and Arnie blaze their trail of revenge. And who feels the ” fury ” of a vehicle scorned? A bunch of people, and the beauty is most of them deserve it.

When local bully Buddy Repperton ( who appears to be in his mid twenties, but is still attending high school ) stabs and kills Arnie’s lunch, we know it’s only a matter of time before he gets what’s coming to him. To make matters worse, he and his group of equally idiotic sycophants attack and destroy Christine, which of course can only mean one thing. Vehicular homicide on a grand scale! Watching the bullies meet their maker is a pure joy ride. Christine’s assault on the  group at the gas station is a blast and the fiery conclusion to the scene is unforgettable. The moment pulses with malevolent  energy, the kind of adrenaline rush that makes movie going a one of a kind experience. Every scene involving Christine and her wrath are memorable and worthy of the audiences cheers.

The film is a slick road trip to hell and anyone watching will enjoy every bit of the ride. Great characters are found throughout the script, from Arnie’s ball busting Mother to Darnell, the owner of a do it yourself garage, each person in the movie feels genuine. Darnell is of course played by veteran actor Robert Prosky, and his performance is one of the best in a movie filled with fine performances. You have to see how craftily Harry Dean Stanton portrays the detective assigned to the case to understand just how amazing an actor he really is. The scene’s he shares with Keith Gordon ( as Arnie ) are impressive in their mood and not so subtle combative tone. I love every second Stanton is on screen.

The movie was adapted from a novel by the master himself, Stephen King so you can rest assured the source material is strong, and Bill Phillips screenplay, while it varies from the original work, is powerful and effective. Believable dialogue and characters inhabit the story, taking an already terrific  tale and making it all the better. Of course, with talent like Prosky, Blossoms and Stanton it’s hard to slip up.

Christine is hardly an underrated film, getting plenty of attention from horror fans and with good reason. I do think it deserves more mention than it gets in regard to people complaining about King’s work when adapted for film. This movie does alter a few key points from the book, but doesn’t take away from the stories impact. I love Christine, and I think it’s one of the best Man vs Machine stories of all time. Have a watch if you haven’t yet seen the manic magic. If you are a fan, I applaud your good taste…now lets go for a RIDE!!

Smash Cut – 2009

  Gore fans, we are not alone! If you’re a lover of the horror films of Herschell Gordon Lewis, you have a kindred spirit in Director Lee Demarbre. In the movie Smash Cut, Demarbre celebrates the genius of H.G. Lewis, the Godfather of Gore himself, and the celebration is unforgetttable. Utilizing a very eclectic cast and hilariously spot on screenwriting, the filmmaker displays a great affection and knowledge for the sub-genre which makes watching this bloody tribute a total joy.

David Hess ( ! ) stars as B movie director Abel Whitman,  whose artistic vision far exceeds his ability to re-create it on film. Frustrated at the crowd reception for his latest work ( Terror Toy 2 ) , Whitman hatches a scheme to use real body parts and blood to make his next film. Yes, this sounds a lot like the plot of HGL’S Color Me Blood Red. The people who made this homage know this of course, and that is a part of what makes this thing so breathtakingly refreshing. Demarbre and crew unabashedly ( but more importantly, cleverly ) borrow and steal from the HGL canon, making use of old posters, dialogue and actors ( Ray Sager! ) that will be familiar to any fan of the great gore master. Mr. Lewis himself shows up to read one of his most infamous pre-ambles and plays producer Gary Sandy, yet another name that should put a smile on any Herschell-philes face.

The story is solid and the blood flies frequently. This is a requirement for any movie that aims to champion this particular sub-genre and the viewer will not be disappointed. Dismemberments, eye gouging, and a slew of other trauma are a big part of the plot, but only infrequently becomes the sole focus. Look for lots of the red stuff and a wonderfully blatant nod to H.G.L.’s The Wizard Of Gore, in a scene featuring Whitman’s final consultation with his screenwriter. Speaking of Writers, mega kudos to Ian Driscoll for creating a bright script that will definitely succeed with Gore-ficianado’s, but should appeal to a much wider audience as well. That’s no easy task but I think Driscoll’s adept handling of all things Lewis makes for entertaining farce, no matter the viewers level of knowledge of the Godfathers work.

The cast is pretty interesting. Porn actress Sasha Grey plays the lead female, April Carson,  local reporter and the sister of stripper ( GiGi Spot 🙂 ) who has gone missing. Grey is pretty and does a serviceable job but I do think she lacked energy in a few scenes. I will spare my readers any pun as to why that may have been the case.  Jesse Buck plays a private dick who bears a strong resemblance to an investigator Herschell fans will surely recognize from one of his blood trilogy films. Buck turns in a nice, hammy performance, and so does Peter Michael Dillon, whose portrayal of  smug shithead producer Ozzie Kohlberg is a riot! The cast is rounded out by horror icon Michael Berryman ( as a producer who’s desire to get distribution knows no bounds) and Jennilee Murray. Nice performances all around, but the star of this splatter show is the incomparable David Hess. Weary and worn, his Abel Whitman isnt just a madman killing for a thrill. Hess portrays him in a matter of fact fashion. Whitman treats homicide as a means to an end, doing whatever it takes ( and killing whomever he must ) to make the film HE wants to make. I love Hess and I have to say, this role has become my favorite of his long list of standout performances. He simply kicks ass from beginning to end, and so does this damn movie!

Anyway, as you can see I love this movie. I urge any horror fans, or any fan of a good, campy party on film to give this one a chance. And if you are a devotee of the legendary Mr. Lewis as I am, run to your nearest dealer and get this fucker in your collection right away!!